Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
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What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Current mood: Potato
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Mornin
best review i’ve ever seen
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
#damn
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.