do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
You Might Also Like
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Did…did a minotaur write this
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
i was baptized in a car wash
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.