[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
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Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster