God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
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So, can we agree on 4 or
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Great game to play with friends
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!