Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
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even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
selfie game
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[eulogy]
line?
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say