I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
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Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?