Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
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If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end