When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
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I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
No, he would not have.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks