welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
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My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
You are what you delete.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?