Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
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The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.