You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
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Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
$4 #usedbooks
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73