murderer: *stabbing me*
me: š
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
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One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I donāt know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother comingšššššš
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldnāt ask me such hard questions
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
me when the borders lift
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Truth. ššš®āšØ
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
You’ll be OK
Man, I canāt believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus Iām driving 80, how are you still holding on
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, Iām happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Saying you’re single
ā¢ sobering
ā¢ gets you sad looks at parties
ā¢ invites relatives to murmur āyou’ll find someoneā for everSaying āI stand aloneā
ā¢ mysterious
ā¢ confident
ā¢ puts you on the same level as ThĆ©oden King
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.