My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
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Don’t tell me what to do
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
She was rare, like a goth jogging
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.