ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
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Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!