do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
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Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.