What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
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I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”