Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
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I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Room with a view.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal