My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
You Might Also Like
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore