I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
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As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
🤣🤣🤣
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
men are simple creatures
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”