Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
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*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival