Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
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[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all