Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
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I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*