When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
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Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO