Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
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My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.