These are my roll models.
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Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Mouse
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%