Come back with a warrant
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Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May