My last name is Zilla.
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Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Trying
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Doctors texting each other.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.