Writing, She Murdered.
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People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.