ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
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You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Same post same
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious