FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
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There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Spa day..😅
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge