If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Thrilling chase underway
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words