Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
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[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!