IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
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Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
next question.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.