Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
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Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
For the orator and chef in all of us
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.