“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
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Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.