“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
You Might Also Like
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Breaking news:
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill