“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
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That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…