*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
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Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
No. YOU-buprofen.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.