God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
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Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.