Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
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Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
this has to be peak English
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.