Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
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WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem