In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
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Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.