Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
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My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
The three genders.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis