St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
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I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
i now pronounce you bounced.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*