Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
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Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
2022 will be better than 2021
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Thinking about Jeff
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes