Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
You Might Also Like
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Try and stop me.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?