Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
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The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.