I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
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[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
New tinder profile pic
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.