“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
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Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
My apartment is a mess, I should move
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Florida man
Guantanamo Bae
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”