Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
You Might Also Like
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
What about a To-Don’t List?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day